Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Doorprize. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new plots; to seek out new life in idiotic inspirations; to boldly go where no one really wants to go, but since we're out of bed...
Scene: Bridge of the Doorprize. Jerk, Smock, Lulu, Checkout, and Yoohoora are at their posts.
Cpt. Jerk: [aside] Captain's log, stardate 222-22.2. The Doorprize has been fully repaired since our last voyage, and is now leaving Earth to go someplace. However, something seems to be missing from all of our lives. Mr. Smock?
Smock: Yes captain?
Cpt. Jerk: Have you made any progress determining what is missing from our lives?
Smock: Yes captain. We are all missing food. Ever since we got the new food service on board the Doorprize, all of out meals have been really nasty.
Cpt. Jerk: What were they before?
Smock: Really nasty. But that doesn't mean that we aren't missing real food.
Killjoy: [enters from the elevator. In this story, it's way too slow to be a turbo-lift.] I'll tell you what we're missing: How did we get to Earth?
Cpt. Jerk: I don't know, do you, Smock?
Smock: Indeed I do not. We also do not know how the ship's name changed, or how all the crew members have suddenly changed names. We also seemed to have acquired a new view screen: it's cable ready, unlike our other one.
Cpt. Jerk: What does this mean?
Smock: It's quite logical, captain. We are [dramatic pause] missing an episode.
Everyone else: NO! gasp!
Yoohoora: [aside] What a strange line.
Smock: Yes, it is true. This is episode three, not two.
Cpt. Jerk: But Smock, we have to find it! I have to know what happened between me and that beautiful girl on planet Shwartz!
Smock: Agreed. I will set the scanners to pick up II. [he programs his console, which is nothing more than a checkerboard] Captain, I have just invented a new instrument: The dicorder. It detects II's.
Killjoy: Well turn it on and let's get this over with.
Smock: I'm picking up readings. The are coming from sector H217.
Cpt. Jerk: Lulu, set course for sector H217, warp factor square-root 86.
Lulu: Yes ma'am, er, sir.
Scene: The Doorprize comes into orbit around a large unkown object.
Cpt. Jerk: Smock, what is that large unkown object on our view screens?
Smock: It's a fly, captain.
Cpt. Jerk: No, the other one!
Smock: I'm scanning it now. It has a large diameter, and seems to be disrupting space and time. It encompases a large amount of space and seems to be pulling us in, however, I think our new engines can handle it.
Cpt. Jerk: Analysis?
Smock: It's a VERY large unkown object.
Cpt. Jerk: Be more specific.
Smock: It's a giant...
Cpt. Jerk: Yes?
Cpt. Jerk: YES!?
Smock: space drain.
Cpt. Jerk: What!
Smock: You heard me. It is a giant drain in space.
Cpt. Jerk: What does this have to do with II?
Smock: II has gone down the drain.
Cpt. Jerk: Well gee, if it was that bad, then maybe we should leave it lost.
Smock: I mean it has gone down the space drain. That drain leads to Earth's past.
Killjoy: How do you know that?
Smock: I read the next line in the script.
Cpt. Jerk: I want to find out what happened to me on planet Shwartz with that beautiful girl! Lulu, set course for the object. We're going down the drain!
[The view screen shifts to show water going down a drain. The ship begins to shake and shudder, but since this is a stage, the actors have to lean one way or the other to show that.]
Checkout: Hard to port! [everyone leans to the left] Hard to starboard! [everyone leans to the right.]
Killjoy: I vote we stop this!
Checkout: Hard to port! [everyone leans to the left, except Yoohoora, who leans the wrong way and Killjoy who sits down.]
Snotty: [from engine room] We can't take much more of this, captain!
Cpt. Jerk: I agree! Everyone, quit leaning!
Checkout: Hard to starboard! [no one leans except Checkout]
Lulu: We're out of it!
Killjoy: I'll say we are!
Lulu: I mean the space drain.
Cpt. Jerk: Snotty, give me a damage report!
Snotty: We've lost our Spam!
Cpt. Jerk: What?
Snotty: Don't you know? Our engines used to run on size-c Energizer batteries, but sometime in II we must have made hassenpfeffer out of the rabbit out of desperation for food, so we had to change the Doorprize's engines over to Spam! The space drain sogged it all up! We can't leave orbit until we get some more.
Checkout: [aside] Was that hassenpfeffer? I thought it was carrots!
Cpt. Jerk: Don't we have extra?
Checkout: [not realizing what he means] Carrots?!
Cpt. Jerk: NO! Spam!
Killjoy: No we don't. The new food service jettisoned it all because it tasted too good compared to the slop they serve now.
Smock: We are now in orbit over Earth. We can use our new intergalactic automatic teller machine to transport II on board.
Cpt. Jerk: Snotty, meet us in the teller room.
[quick scene change to teller room. Smock, Scotty, and Jerk. Remaining bridge crew take party hats from under their chairs.]
Cpt. Jerk: How does this thing work?
Smock: Just enter your personal identification number and the object you want to withdraw from the Earth.
Snotty: But captain, what about the...
Cpt. Jerk: You mean like this?
Snotty: What about the...
Smock: No, that's your old girlfriend's telephone number.
Snotty: Which one?
Cpt. Jerk: [pulls out a large telephone-memo book and starts searching] Her! Hmm, my personal identification number...Oh, now I remember... there. Now, we just withdraw II. There...
[The teller machine jiggles and out steps Julius Caesar.]
Caesar: Et tu Brute?
Smock: Captain, the teller seems to have found the wrong II. We have to redeposit him before history changes...
Snotty: But aren't we forgetting about...
Cpt. Jerk: There, now put him back into the teller machine. Now you idiotic teller, I want "two" not "Et tu Brute" !
Smock: Somethning else has been withdrawn.
[Out steps Thu Tran.]
Thu: Hello! Where did you guys come from?
Cpt. Jerk: No! That's the wrong II! I want the other II! [sends Thu back to earth,]
Smock: Captain, it is evident to me that we must proceed more logically. I suggest that we deposit ourselves on the surface and make a more careful search. I'll bring a dicorder.
Snotty: Oh, Captain!
Cpt. Jerk: Yes, Snotty?
Snotty: [loudly this time] How in bloody blue blazes are we going to get home? We're out of Spam, remember?
Cpt. Jerk: Oh, that's easy enough. We'll send Checkout and Yoohoora to get some more from Earth.
Cpt. Jerk: Scotty, you, Smock, and Lulu will come with me. Checkout and Yoohoora will go to the Piggly Wiggly. [These people deposit themselves to Earth, leaving Killjoy alone with the computer.]
Scene: Killjoy, alone on the bridge with the computer.
Killjoy: Hello! Where did everyone go? Why am I all alone? Is it April Fool's day or something? Captain, if you don't get out here, I tell everyone about your locked closet! Smock, I'll tell everyone what really happens to Vulgarians every seven years! Snotty, I'll tell them about your secret stash in the warp core! Yoohoora, I'll tell them about your operation! Someone? Anyone?
Scene: Checkout and Yoohoora in front of the grocery store.
Checkout: [to passerby] I'm looking for a Spam. Do you know him?
Yoohoora: It's a "her" Checkout.
Checkout: Oh, sorry. Hello, [to another passerby], I'm looking for Spam, do you know her?
Passerby: I no speaking American.
Checkout: Oh, sorry. I no speaking American too.
Yoohoora: Look, Checkout! There's an add for Spam. Snotty said he needed a seven ounce can. It says that it's on special this week.
Checkout: Oh great! Now we need to find Special!
Scene: Cpt. Jerk and the others are searching in Washington, D.C.
Smock: The dicorder is detecting II at this heading. We seem to have found something. [He picks up a piece of parchment.]
Lulu: Maybe it's the script for II?
Cpt. Jerk: No, it says, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." That doesn't sound like what happened to me and that blond back on planet Shwartz!
Smock: No, It's the second amendment to the Constitution! I've set the dicorder incorrectly.
Cpt. Jerk: Smock, you've smudged it!
Lulu: I have some white-out. Here, let me fix it! [They start to fight for the document.]
Lulu: I want to fix it!
Cpt. Jerk: But I'm the captain!
Lulu: But I'm Lulu!
Cpt. Jerk: Fair enough. You fix it. [Lulu fixes it alright.]
Lulu: There! "the right of the people to keep and arm bears shall not be infringed!"
Snotty: That sound's right to me!
Smock: Agreed. The dicorder has picked up yet another II. It's coming from New York.
Scene: The Doorprize bridge. Killjoy is still alone. He's talking to the computer.
Killjoy: So what happened next?
Computer: And then, he opened up his access panel!
Killjoy: Oh no! You're not going to get me involved with any of that stuff!
Computer: Oh yes! And then he asked me to open my access panel!
Killjoy: NO! Let me out of here! Shut up you stupid computer! Smock's love life is gross enough!
Computer: And then, he told me to close my infrared eyes and prepare myself for input!
Killjoy: NO! [He picks up the captain's chair and smashes the computer terminal. It stops.] How's that for input? I can write a better love novel than you can! Watch me! [He begins writing.] I think I'll call it "Tea for Two on Tuesday". Wait a minute! What am I doing!? I'm a doctor, not a porno writer!
Scene: Grant's Tomb.
Smock: I believe I have found it.
Cpt. Jerk: Are you sure this time?
Lulu: Look captain! It's a video tape!
Snotty: It's labeled "Star Drek II - The Wrath of Connie Chung". This is it!
Lulu: Captain, look! It's a band of Kling-wrap-ons! [A band of Kling-wrap-ons enters]
Kling-wrap-on: Look, they've found it!
Cpt. Jerk: What do you want!?
Kling-wrap-on: The same thing you do! To find out what you did on planet Shwartz with the blond!
Cpt. Jerk: But you'll never get your hands on this video tape!
[Checkout and Yoohoora enter carrying grocery bags.]
Kling-wrap-on: We don't have to! Everyone ready! [they all pull out cling-wrap and styrofoam] Charge! [they rub the cling-wrap on the styrofoam to charge it up.]
Smock, Jerk, Snotty, Lulu: Look of Fear!
Yoohoora: [aside] Another strange line!
Smock: Quick, everyone, ground yourselves!
Yoohoora: Snotty, we got you your Spam! It was on sale.
Snotty: Yoohoora, watch out for the Kling-wrap-ons!
Checkout: Well here, we picked up some dryer sheets. They were on special too! [Everyone takes out a dryer sheet.]
Cpt. Jerk: HA! Now your cling-wrap charges are useless!
Kling-wrap-on: This is war, Captain Jerk!
[Suddenly, an organic chemistry teacher appears.]
Organic chemistry teacher: No! There will be no more war between your people! Instead, you will eat a rich organic diet with no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives and combat the evil forces of the food service jello! [She waves her hand and the Kling-wrap-ons walk away stunned.] Shoo! And you too! Get back up through the space drain and into your own time! Tell all your administrators about the new Organic Peace. [She steps gracefully aside.]
Smock: It would seem captain that we have had an illogical experience.
Cpt. Jerk: Yeah. Right. Now we have II, so let's get back to the ship!
Snotty: But wait! We can use the Spam in our engines, but how will we get back through the space drain?
Cpt. Jerk: Smock?
Smock: I do not know.
Yoohoora: Checkout and I bought a plunger at the grocery store. It was on special, too. Can't we use it?
Smock: Ah! We can use the plunger to get home. All we have to do is flush paper products down the space disposal beneath the space drain, and then when we use the plunger to unclog the drain, we'll be pulled back with the clog.
Cpt. Jerk: Brilliant Idea! [everyone claps, except Yoohoora, who obviously feels cheated of applause.]
Killjoy: [Walks on from off stage.] I've been looking all over for you guys! Why did you leave me all alone on the ship? It took me forever to figure out how to use the intergalactic teller machine!
[everyone slowly turns to look at him.]
Lulu: You mean there's no one else on the ship?
Killjoy: No, why?
Checkout: How will we get back up to the ship?
Smock: That's easy. We'll call the computer and have it use the intergalactic teller machine.
Killjoy: Uh... maybe not?
Killjoy: Well, it had a sick mind...
Cpt. Jerk: AND?
Killjoy: It's dead, Jim.
everyone: Oh No! HELP! [Smock keels over. Killjoy examines him with his tricorder. Rest of crew makes whirring noises.]
Cpt. Jerk: Was it the shock?
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next week to see epsidoe five of Star Drek!
Cpt. Jerk: But wait, don't I get to watch my video?
Announcer: Not until we show episode four. Since we got all out of order, it won't be broadcast until we start showing re-runs.
Cpt. Jerk: OH NO!
Scene darkens, end of show.
-- Dead Parrots Society, NCSSM 1994